unposted...

seriously,

 i am not perfect.

for the time being, for the short span of silence...

i have been put through a series of unending pain...

i would have typed them down, 1 by 1...

but i'm glad i didn't....

only makes me hate more...

maybe sometime though, when the feeling is already gone...

maybe by then,

i'd tell you every bit of my wickedness...

as a used to...

reversal

i am supposed to be the one who's frustrated. i am supposed to be consoled. but how come, the conversation did a rebound ? now i am the one consoling ??

i cant seem to connect. I am only human after all. am i not entitled to have feelings too ??

i need a hug. i need love. i need a lot of things. but i cant seem to be getting any. is this what i am really meant for ??

just there when you need me ?? will it always be like this ?? am i nothing more but an instrument of kindness ??

cant i be shown kindness too ??

you look to me as if i am all strength. i am not. i am the weakest link if you must know. isnt there anything at all that you can do about it ??

will sleep help me get through it all ?? is there a way to not wake up at all ??

my blogs have nothing in them but grief.

will i be grieving for the rest of my life ?? im near sick of pretending. pretending everything's okay although it is really not.

why do i feel so alone when were supposed to be in this together ??

why is everybody leaving me..

i can take on all of your problems. can't you atleast just listen to mine ??

is it really that hard ?? am i too much for everybody ?? why do i always have to wait.

i dont get much chances in this lifetime. cant we atleast just give these chances a try ??

when is my turn ever gonna come ??

october 21 2010

i am in a serious state of hate right now.

i dont know why, but i am...

mainit ang ulo ko talaga... alam mo yung galit na galit ???

maybe this again is a draw back on trying to put everything behind me...

or maybe this is the effect of keeping my mouth shut...

i dont know but i am hating a lot of things right now...

i wish i could tell you how i feel...

but it would all seem pointless...

there's no room for me there....

i just might end up ruining your day....

so id rather keep it to myself...

you wouldn't care otherwise...

nobody does anyway...

and even if you do....

there's nothing you or i can do about it....

i am hating....

i dont like it...

but  i am....

i hate hating....

blab it all the way...

i guess they were right...

i am one hell of a talker...

but without anyone listening, it's not any fun at all... now is it ???

somehow, writing down my thoughts seem to be working. not that i haven't been doing it, it's just not the same doing it online than that of keeping them all cramped up inside my trusty organizer. but hell, i don't care anymore. i just want things out of my mind.

this blogging thing is doing me good. i have to give it credit. its like my own pensieve. my train of thoughts are now transferred into a whole new memory bank. and it's staying here.

i like it actually. it's a whole new world where nobody knows i have been swearing my guts out.

and i like it more because, if and when somebody gets to read my entries, there is not a single chance i know that person. it's more like talking to somebody i can trust my secrets with.

well, that is plainly because people don't know who i am.

besides the fact that i am independently speaking out, somebody out there might also be sharing the same sentiments with me. and we wont ever be having the disadvantage of getting too close.

i don't want to get too close to anyone anymore.

coz it just wont work. we just might end up hurting each other.

i am better off alone.

i have been reading and re-reading all the stuff i wrote from way back in highschool, and i have seen, or rather, read with my own eyes, how i have turned into somebody else. change is really inevitable. no matter how you fight it, it's gonna happen. it's all about learning to accept things and being able to adapt to the new situation.

no longer am i ever going to drwon myself with "i don't want tos" or "im staying right where i am!!" thoughts. im taking myself somewhere. i am going to seek my purpose. and nobody is going to pull me down. not this time.

i thank people for all the lessons. they're gonna be of much help along my journey. i am going to move on. because the lessons will be worthless if i do't use them.

this is life. it goes on.

whether you move and go along with it or stay,

it still goes on...

and i'm moving forward...

i will keep moving forward...

i am, after all, in my truest form,

my own self....

i wonder...

we had this conversation over coffee late last saturday night...

i asked " loi, would you think we'd hook up had A and me been friends and not just first grade classmates ? "

i actually answered my own question " i think not... there's no chance i'd even bat a single eyelash for any of my friends ex's or suitors for that matter... "

and he said " you think not ??? maybe so...."

i have been wondering about a lot of things lately.

stuff like, could i have avoided losing my friends had i gone home and attended my niece's christening ?

and then there was, could my best friend have hated me had she stayed back home ?

Could she have been contented had she not seen what lives we were living right here?

or, what if i never gave my ex THAT second chance ???

what if i never broke up with my ex at all ???

what could have happened to me had i accepted that job at the carribean cruise ?

Was that promotion really meant for me ?

is this what i really want ?

coz, i feel like there has been a mix up on everything.

Travelling is my passion. I was the one who was set on going aboard that vessel to go places, visit beaches and see the world. i envy thonz and chai. they've been there. there's never gonna be that chance of me doing that.

Faikah and I, we were getting along pretty fine.she was there, and i was here. the distance kept us holding on to that precious bond only we had. We were two worlds apart but we remained friends. until now.

Dennis was my angel. the only person who can ever make me laugh even when the world collided upon me. he was my light behind every single mishap. he fed my soul with love and laughter. but he did not want to grow up.

and A, well, i have heard so much of her spirit. and i must admit, all the stories tell me she is the exact female version of  Dennis. we could have been great friends. i lost the chance of meeting that wonderful person in her. i don't even think she'd like me.

And my job, i love my job. it is my life. the only thing i can call my own. something i have achieved not for anyone else but for myself. It is the lifelong fulfilment to that dream of climbing the corporate ladder. i was there, and i am heading higher. But, it is getting worst. Every single day, i drag myself to hell.

i must have done something to have unintentionally altered the things that happened.

Loi told me to quit thinking. what was done, is done. you can never unwind life and start all over again. whatever has happened in the past, it was there to teach us a lesson.everyday, you learn something new.

i can not live in the past.

i need to go on...

I just can't help but wonder...

on the ROCKS

whatever has become of that once sweet thought...

out of service charges,

bloomed a friendship, of which has flourished into love...

we couldnt deny it, for the SPARKS went flying in all directions...

but serious as we are, we have come to neglect that bond we once shared...

is this a sign ???

could this be an out to that beautiful gift ???

no i do not believe that...

for no matter how life would suck,

we still have each other, we will hold on

and we will fight,

we'd live this through, survive and emerge

winners,

for baby,

even after all those circumstances,

after all the the unending paranoia,

i never stopped believing...

whew !!!

finally it's out !!!
i couldn't hold up much longer.
i had to ask.

now all i can do is wait...
wait for what ???
i still don't know...

it doesn't matter
atleast i said it...
atleast it's out of me...


no more wondering what,
no more expecting when..
and no more asking

How...